Polygamy - The Pros and Cons

"GET! ... OUT! ... ... How is Angry Harry supposed to get any frigging sleep!?"

Given that all types of relationships seem to be valid these days, can anyone tell me what, exactly, is wrong with polygamy? In my view, polygamy has many things going for it. It can confer a number of distinct advantages!

For example, instead of one wife having to wash the dishes before drying them up; with polygamy, you can have one wife doing the washing, and the other one doing the drying.

Efficiency! Speed!

And, further, if you've got three wives, then the tea can be made at the very same time! So, you don't have to wait so very long for it.

Satisfaction!

And just think of all the time that this polygamy idea would save for EACH of the wives. Instead of doing three chores each, they would each only have to do just one!

I'm so happy, so happy, hurray!

And this same kind of tripartite division of labour could also be done with many other things. 

The vacuuming, the dusting and the window cleaning could all be divided EQUALLY into three separate parts, just like Caesar did with Gaul! 

And isn't this what women actually say that they want when they are flapping around in their customary whinge mode?

Equality, and a reduction in the housework.

So. Don't knock it.

I'm so happy, so happy, hurray!

I once saw a CH4 programme about polygamy in West Africa and the women were almost ecstatic about it. And sharing the chores with each other was one of the most attractive parts.

Of course it was!

men and women were designed for polygamy.

You see. Just as there is a herd of cows to serve and cater for each bull, men and women were designed for polygamy.

This is why, for example, women who live together menstruate together. 

The evolutionary idea behind this is to ensure that no matter how many women you have flustering about you every day, you only have one bout of PMS to deal with every month. 

Clever eh?

You only have to make yourself scarce for about three or four days at a time.

And this, of course, is why the men became hunters. 

The mammoths, the crocodiles and the sabre-toothed tigers were nothing but tame fluffy bunnies in comparison to the frenzied histrionics and arguments back home during what the men called in hushed tones and frightened whispers, 'That bloody period'.  

And this is why the men said meekly, "OK. We're off now. We won't be long. Just off to get you some food. Don't wait up." 

And, banded together for protection, they hightailed it out of the place as fast as they could.

 Men would not survive polygamy for very long if women who lived together menstruated at different times.

You see. Men would not survive polygamy for very long if women who lived together menstruated at different times. And this is why Nature positively insisted that women who lived within 100 yards of each other harmonised their manic cycles of spite.

To give the men who lived with them a psychological break.

A period of rest.

A patch of calm before the evil storm.

And in order to ensure that at least some of the men would survive the cruel onslaughts and the seemingly endless hysteria, the periodicity of women's mood swings was also engineered by evolution to occur on a monthly basis in correspondence with the phases of the moon - hence the word 'lunatic'.

And this gave the men a fighting chance.

A chance to escape.

Looking at the moon enabled the men to figure out in advance when it was time to vamoose.

But there was a problem. 

The clouds would often hide the moon from view. And this would create general alarm among the menfolk. And deep panic would spread quickly throughout the village whenever the moon was out of sight.

The men would gather wide-eyed in the dark clutching their spears and wetting their loin cloths. "Do we go? Do we stay? What on earth shall we do? Oh God! Why hast thou forsaken us?"

Uh-Oh. No moon. Do we go or do we stay?

We go.

Indeed, it was because their womenfolk became so inordinately deranged from time to time that men were finally driven to invent clocks and calendars. And these, Oh Joy, helped them better to prepare for the tidal surge of fuming hormonal vapours that would periodically and swiftly engulf the village like an evil menstrual smog, choking off any peace and good-will that might, perchance, have sneaked in among the villagers during the previous three weeks.

"We'll have none of that pleasantness in this village!" the women would all spit in unison.

"Why are you smiling?" they would snap viciously.

"Can you not even get the Sun to shine much more brightly in the sky?" they would sneer contemptuously at any men who walked by.

It's far too cold around here.

And so some of the men late at night started drawing complicated graphs and charts to figure out the meanings of the senseless tantrums and the spontaneous rages.

But - apart from the relatively trivial discovery of Mathematics and Astronomy - to no avail. 

And others founded great religions in order to answer the thousands of questions that seemed absolutely impossible to answer without causing great offence to women.

But - apart from the rise of Christianity, Judaism, Islam etc - to no avail.

Others gave up in deep despair and became monks or sailors. They preferred their cold, lonely cells or the treacherous high seas to the hysterical nonsense back home.

I can't stand it any longer! I'm going mad!

"We would rather live in the dark and neither see nor talk to anyone all day," said the monks.

"We would rather starve and then be eaten alive by sharks," said the sailors.

"No way are we going back there!" they all yelled angrily as they trooped off into the vast unknown.

And so it was that many villages lost the cleverest of their menfolk.

And so the stupid ones who remained in the villages were forced to divide the surplus women among themselves. 

Of course, the Chief had the first choice of women.

Of course, the Chief had the first choice of women. And he always chose all the pretty ones. 

Every last one of them. 

The next in rank had the second choice. And he mostly chose the women who possessed a good set of teeth and gums and, of course, a decent pair of bazookas.

The next in rank usually chose the women who could lift heavy objects and build walls. 

And so on, down the hierarchy it all went, until those at the bottom, well, needless to say, they were not very happy at all. They often killed themselves before the week was out, or they fled hotfoot into the hills in keen pursuit of a hermit's life.

And so it was that, every few months or so, the dwindling number of remaining men had to gather themselves together, yet again, in order to parcel out the ever-renewing surplus of womenfolk. 

And this was not a particularly pleasant experience, because while the available stocks were plentiful, their quality was now unbelievably low.

"Goodness me. Look at that rabble over there. Have you ever seen anything like it?"

"Heaven forbid."

"Holy Moses."

"When does the next boat leave?" 

And this is how polygamy came to be the natural state of affairs.

By capitalising on men's chivalry and their willingness to provide a home and shelter for even the most undesirable of spare womenfolk, all the women of the village were finally able to wangle some advantage for themselves.

And it has been the same ever since.

 polygamy could be the answer to many of today's marriage problems because it definitely has the backing of menstrual evolution

So, in summary, polygamy could be the answer to many of today's marriage problems because it definitely has the backing of menstrual evolution, and it gives every woman access to a man and a home.

And this is what women really need if they are to be fulfilled fully and fulsomely. They need a man and a home to attend to, even if they are only allowed access to a part and a fraction thereof. 

And these days, of course, from a man's point of view, with many wives - preferably five - one or two of the wives could actually be sent out to work, and the remainder could stay at home to look after the kids. 

In fact, the wives could ALL be allowed to choose! And so they could ALL be happy! And, if they all decided to go out to work for a living, then that would be fine too. 

After all, with that kind of money coming in, you could always employ a Swedish nanny in a short skirt called Helga who could stay at home all day and deal with the kids.

She would be an added bonus for the whole of the family!

And shopping, of course, would also be a piece of cake. 

Two of the wives could go to the supermarket every week, and two of them could go to the liquor store - and this would give you the extra time that you always wanted for a few more rounds of golf. 

Life would be soooo much easier for the five of you. (Or, possibly, for the six of you, if you have Helga.)

But what about sex?

But what about sex? - everyone asks. Wouldn't sex cause a problem for polygamists?

No way Hosé. 

Hell no!

Think about it.

Instead of having to look at the same face every night and every morning, you would actually get a choice of faces. 

True; it could sometimes be tough to decide which face or combination of faces you would prefer to wake up to, but then this is exactly what the men were designed for in these polygamous relationships - to take the tough decisions! 

To contemplate. 

To ruminate. 

To advocate. 

To stipulate!

And if the women ever started bickering with each other, having been fired up by some of their typically insane jealousies, then you could simply let none of them into your bed for that night.

"Get out! Get out! The lot of you. I am tired of these interminable disputes and petty squabbles.

"And please stop pushing and shoving! That is no way for any wives of mine to behave. 

"No. I'm sorry. That's it! You shall all have to sleep in the dormitory tonight. 

"Not one of you shall be allowed to pleasure me this evening.

"Out! Out!"

Equality, you see!

Fairness. Justice. Even-handedness.

This is the way that you must handle it.

(And, of course, there is always the possibility of Helga in the next room!)

So what, exactly, are the disadvantages of polygamy in this day and age, eh?

After all, in communities where they practise polygamy, there are many more women who practise it than there are men!

So, there must be something in it for them.

I'm so happy, so happy, hurray!

"OK! OK! Will you please stop squabbling and showing off! I'll take number 179 and then 174; and, possibly, 242. But that's more than enough for tonight! - because I am too darn tired. Now, the rest of you can scuttle off to the dormitory, or it will be a whole hour of extra housework on Saturday - for each and every one of you! And where the Hell is 242? Go and fetch her somebody, before I lose my patience."

Also see, ...

serious piece, ...

More Women Required - Polygamy in the Future?